


A Lengthy List of How Umbridge Could've and Should've Died

by M1dn1ght_Star



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Albus Dumbledore Bashing, Aragog and his spider chilren, Aurors, Cameo appearances by:, Dolores Umbridge Bashing, Dolores Umbridge Being an Asshole, Gen, Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Mind Manipulation, Minnie as a cat, Some Graphic Injuries, Some amazing house elves, Umbridge gets what she deserved, do not copy to another site, for the person who hates umbridge with a passion, morbidly satisfying, vague dumbledore bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:42:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 11,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27192590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M1dn1ght_Star/pseuds/M1dn1ght_Star
Summary: What it says on the label - in story formatPlease be warned that a couple of these get fairly graphic in nature, so OFFICIALLY WARNING YOU now before you clickAs of 12/13/20, this project is complete in terms of normal chapters. The only chapters that will be added is if readers request specific scenes.Update: 1/5/21 this is officially closed. No more chapters will be written.
Relationships: some mentioned - Relationship
Comments: 69
Kudos: 115





	1. Electrocution

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to suggest ideas and let me know what you think should've happened to Umbitch

Umbridge jerked backwards, narrowly missing a cabbage Peeves had thrown at her while she was sitting in her office. That disgusting insufferable little poltergeist had to go! He didn’t respect her authority and she wouldn’t have such a horrid creature in her school. Growling, she whipped out her wand and chased Peeves down the corridor, not bothering to put on her sickly sweet attitude she used in public as it was late and no one else was around.

This continued for several minutes before the poltergeist suddenly dove downwards into a box in an empty classroom that was no longer used. Delores Umbridge pulled herself up to her not very impressive full height and waddled over to the box, a smug look on her face. It was quickly wiped off by the bucket of water that was dumped on her head and then as she tried to get it off her face, she blindly tripped on a wire that had been left between two desks and fell head first into the box Peeves had gone into before. 

There was a loud zap and then silence. Peeves emerged from his hiding spot above a cupboard and grinned at the body of the woman who had been tormenting students. Sure he liked a good prank, but he’d never done anything really malicious and he was proud to be a Hogwarts ghost and protect the little witches and wizards who lived there. The box had been filled with old broken and dismantled electronics from the Muggle Studies class and when the soaked toad had come in contact with them, she had been electrocuted.

Umbridge was missing for an entire week before her corpse was found, mostly because it was a very large castle but also because no one except Filch cared about her at all and couldn’t be happier with her absence. Aurors came to Hogwarts for the usual process when someone mysteriously dies, but they also didn’t care for her and one slightly smug individual was pleased to mark her death as being because of the curse on the DADA position and give an air high five to Peeves on their way out. Harry had mentioned the horrible detentions during the winter holidays and Tonks was more than happy to do something about since no one else seemed to be willing to.


	2. Fell down the stairs and broke her neck

A pink toad waddled her way down the corridor towards the staircase that led to the Entrance Hall of Hogwarts. She looked up and smiled smugly at the many rows of Educational Decrees lining the wall. Those nasty children needed a strong hand to guide them towards proper behavior.

With a nasty grin, Umbridge planned out how to make her detentions that evening even better. Her tea was a nice touch to accompany the quills, maybe she could have Filch come and assist her, surely he’d be more than willing to keep his silence on the matter in exchange for a bit of torture on the more repulsive of the little brats. Yes, she’d ask him about it this evening. She let out an evil laugh which sounded like she was choking and started down the steps.

Hogwarts watched her pensively from high above, making up their mind after a second and giving a nudge to the staircase, activating a protocol designed for use if the school was ever invaded. There was a dull clunk and then the stairs shifted, moving upwards slowly before slamming back down swiftly. Umbridge lost her footing and tumbled down the stairs, landing with an audible crunch at the bottom.

The doors of the Great Hall were open so everyone turned to look at where the noise had occurred, crying out in shock and then in cheers as the students and even the teachers couldn’t find it in themselves to be sad about her death. McGonagall got up slowly from her seat at the staff table and walked to check whether Umbridge was actually dead, smiling slightly into her teacup when she saw that her neck was broken. Maybe Dumbledore could be bothered to teach the class for the rest of the year, he used to be the Transfiguration teacher when Dippet was headmaster but he definitely was qualified for DADA, if not officially then in experience and skill.


	3. Drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't go through and edit it, so let me know if there's any typos :)

Umbridge hissed in rage as yet another spray bottle attacked her, floating in the air. She knew that someone had been bothering her with them all week, but had been able to find the culprit and punish them yet. She was soaking wet, her hair limp and looking even uglier than usual and her pink robes were an unflattering shade enhanced by their decoration by water.

Far above her, hidden in a tunnel near the ceiling they had discovered using the Marauders Map, Fred and George exchanged a grin as they tossed water balloons at her. The toad had been forcing first year Hufflepuffs to write all sorts of horrible things that were now permanently scarred on their hands and they had decided that drastic action was necessary. The teachers and ministry both seemed content to sit back and let innocent students be tortured, so it was up to them to enact justice.

They’d been hard at work on coming up with an adequate way to deal with her and ultimately decided that with the state the government was in, she’d never be properly punished and that death was the best option. Since she seemed to hate water, just like the cats she loved so much, the twins had chosen to taunt her with the liquid first and then actually drown her with it. The occupants of the lake had heard about the horrible things she had done to the students and had agreed to ensure that she didn’t escape the water. A young kelpie had volunteered to personally make sure she drowned.

Nodding to Lee Jordan, who was hidden behind a suit of armor, Fred jumped quickly down behind Umbridge and snatched her wand while Jordan distracted her before taking off at a run towards the doors that led outside. George followed them with the map from above, hurtling down passageways and narrowly avoiding a spiderweb to the face while crossing through one they rarely used. Fred and Lee ran together down the halls with Umbridge trying to follow them as quickly as she could, which wasn’t all that fast and they almost decided to slow down a bit so she wouldn’t lose them but then Dumbledore decided to try and interfere for some reason and sent a stunner towards them.

They avoided it and ran faster, dashing out into the grass and towards the lake, where the kelpie and other creatures were lying in wait just under the surface. Umbridge lunged for them, finally having caught up, but they jumped to the side and she fell in the water with a splash. Struggling to get out after noticing her company while screeching about filthy beasts the entire time, Umbridge was swiftly silenced as the kelpie got hold of her and dragged her under.

Dumbledore had now caught up with them and took ridiculously large amounts of points from all three while assigning them detention with Snape for the rest of the year. Personally, the Gryffindors viewed it as having been worth it and so did the rest of the students and some of the staff. Snape actually was  _ nice _ to them during detention and assigned them to label potion ingredient jars before letting them work on homework.

The Headmaster tried to cover up what had happened to Umbridge by pretending she had merely vanished one day and suggested that the curse might have done something or that Umbridge decided she hated students too much and couldn’t continue teaching at the school, but all of the students told their parents what had happened and soon an article in the prophet emerged, ripping Dumbledore and Fudge into shreds over what had happened.


	4. (Chris52_lane) Broken Vanishing Cabinet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended up changing the idea quite a bit but the basics remain the same :) Hope you enjoy!

Umbridge followed the cat into a room full of lots of broken things, cooing and imagining how adorable it would look wearing a little bowtie. The cat glanced back at her with a mildly disgusted look, the odd spectacle markings around its eyes shimmering in the sunlight. With a meow, it jumped up into the broken vanishing cabinet that was propped in one corner and pawed at the tag around its neck, activating the portkey and vanishing. Umbridge opened the door and leaned in, confused when she couldn’t spot the cat anywhere. There was a quiet noise behind her and then Mrs. Norris knocked a stack of books over from a desk nearby, shoving the woman into the cabinet. Crookshanks pushed the door closed with a smug mrow and the two cats looked at one another before leaving the room.

Back in her office, Minerva McGonagall gave a shiver and returned to her human form. She sat down at her desk and fixed herself a cup of tea, pouring in a generous amount of milk.

Dumbles had essentially forbidden her from doing anything against the woman through legal channels and her lion cubs and other students were being hurt so she took action to protect them. If the old man wouldn’t do something, she would.

Far below in an abandoned section of the dungeons that had long been blocked off from the rest of the castle, Umbridge gave a startled screech as she was flung through the air and landed in a sewer pipe that smelled absolutely horrendous. Her lurid pink dress was stained by dirt and mold and she screamed as a rat ran over her foot, swiftly chased by a snake hunting its prey from lunch.

Umbridge dug in her pocket for her wand and gaped in horror when she realized it was snapped in two pieces. She had fallen on it and the hard stone floor was unforgiving. Well and truly trapped, Umbridge tried to look around and stood in just the wrong spot, the stone hooking around her ankle with an invisible force and then she was falling again, hitting the bottom of a well with a crack. Her body would not be found for many decades until the Headmaster of the school at the time decided renovations were needed as despite the magic holding the castle together, it was becoming unsafe for students.


	5. By a cat/spiders team effort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A word of advice: Just don't question it

A very large wild cat had taken to lurking around in corners wherever one Madam Umbridge went in the castle that housed Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. No one ever bothered pointing this out to her as she was not among the well-liked people in the school and some even made a betting pool on why it was there. The most popular choice was that the cat had come to get revenge for some horrible thing Umbridge did to it, seeing as she hated all creatures and animals (but for some reason small house cats were exempt from this).

It was a usual Thursday afternoon where most students were seated in the Great Hall, working on their assignments and talking quietly when the teachers weren’t nearby. Katie Bell was having a friendly competition with the twins for how quickly they could finish their Charms essay and narrowly missed being hit in the face by an inkwell when a giant panther jumped out of nowhere and over the table. Many students screamed in surprise and backed away, causing Umbridge to look up and start screeching at them to sit down. Apparently, she didn’t see anything was there at all.

The cat went right up to Umbridge, opened its mouth far too wide like a snake and swallowed her whole. She vanished into some sort of pocket of space and the cat turned around, winking at the students before shimmering out of existence. The Aurors were called in but they never figured out what had happened. And well, if one satisfied cat dropped Umbridge in the middle of the Acromantula nest before shivering and padding back into the castle to sleep in Professor Sinistra’s office, well no one was going to tell. One certain fourth year with flaming orange hair only smiled and pocketed the money she won from the bet.


	6. Centaur Arrow

Umbridge blinked as she stumbled over a tree root, momentarily feeling dizzy as her surroundings flickered and she saw water all around her and giant spiders. Shaking off the odd feeling, she bustled after Hermione, smug that she had discovered the secret weapon Dumbledore had been making. Minister Fudge would be so impressed!

A herd of centaurs appeared out of nowhere and she sneered, looking down her nose at them, which was actually quite impressive if you considered the fact that they were taller than her. 

“You’re interrupting Ministry business, half-breeds. Leave or I will have you arrested.” Umbridge said, sniffing as she stepped through a muddy section of the ground. 

There was an odd rush of sound and then she found herself pinned to a tree by an arrow. She clutched at the shaft that was sticking out of her chest and didn’t seem to grasp the situation as she began ranting about filthy beasts not knowing their place. 

A few dozen arrows later, Umbridge finally died and the centaurs nodded to Hermione where she was standing in the shadow of a tree nearby and vanished back into the forest, leaving her to go back to the castle by herself. 


	7. Killed by Death Eaters/Voldy while giving speech about how the dark lord is NOT back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just- don't even ask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It started off with one idea and rapidly devolved into this mess   
> I hope its at least amusing
> 
> But like seriously-
> 
> My brain: Hmm so Voldy storms the castle and Umbridge is annoying so he kills her AND THEN HARRY GOES YEET AND EVERYONE HAS A PARTY
> 
> Also I did NOT reread this after writing it so if something makes no sense (well even more than usual) then thats why

Umbridge glared down at the ungrateful students as she continued her monthly speech about education and the minister’s wonderful efforts to make sure they were safe and not listening to false information that You-Know-Who was back. The miscreant Potter was looking at her with an incredulous look on his face, probably actually thought Dumbledore wasn’t trying to steal the minister’s position from Fudge, and he gaped at her with an open mouth when she started ranting about how V-the Dark Lord was dead.

Unfortunately, or really fortunately for everyone except her, Harry had  _ not  _ actually been staring at her but instead the Death Eaters, led by none other than Voldemort himself, who had just casually strolled into the room behind the staff table and no one except for Harry had noticed yet.

Voldemort cleared his throat politely from where he was standing close behind Umbridge now, most of the students in shock that, wow Dumbledore and Harry  _ weren’t  _ actually nutters and they’d been bullying an innocent teenager for months for no reason after they had a traumatic experience. Honestly, wixen these days needed to learn to think for themselves. Anyways, the Dark Lord was still waiting dramatically for Umbridge to turn around and realize he was these, and finally his patience was rewarded. Except, well, Delores Umbridge was either stupid or deluded because she began yelling at him to stop pretending he was Voldemort because Voldemort was dead and that she was going to arrest him.

Not looking very impressed, Voldy sent a AK at her face with a bored flick of his wand before noticing Harry and moving towards him. Thinking fast, Harry whipped out an Uno reverse card he had in his pocket and threw it in the air. The Dark Lord stared at him for a second before laughing and shaking his head.

“Sure, why not. Alright Potter, see you in a few months then.” Whirling around dramatically so his robes swooshed out behind him kinda like a less impressive version of Snape’s, Tommy boy left the Great Hall and went to go find Dumbledore. Maybe after the ugly toad of a teacher, Dumbles would finally let him have the DADA position. It was his greatest wish in life and the headmaster had made him work way too hard for it, though his plan to take over the ministry and get Lucius Malfoy to appoint him DADA teacher hadn’t gone as expected and it delayed his efforts for almost 20 years.


	8. Decrees fell off wall and buried her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was unsure of which direction to go for Filch's involvement of the situation but it ended up somewhat ambiguous I think

Umbridge was watching as Filch hung up yet another educational decree on the wall outside of the Great Hall. Almost the entire section of stones was covered from floor to ceiling at this point and it was commonly agreed on when not in hearing of the High Inquisitor that it looked horrible and had ruined the Entrance Hall’s aesthetic. Nothing screamed magic like orderly rows of mundane rules, amiright?

She ordered the caretaker to adjust it so it was perfectly level with the one below it and continued making him adjust it to her satisfaction. The only reason the man put up with her is because she was allowing him to talk about bringing back the ‘old punishments’ with glee which had never actually happened in the school but that he had come up with to scare the students. His bitterness over his treatment as a squib had turned into a burning hatred over the years and his hunger for revenge blinded Filch to the fact that Umbridge looked down on him as well and would throw him out as soon as it suited her.

The ladder wobbled and Filch frowned as he tried to keep his balance. Glancing around, he couldn’t see why it was unsteady, but the ladder kept moving. Perhaps it was Peeves again, he’d need to talk to the Baron about the unruly poltergeist. An odd rush of magic brushed over his face and startled, he let go of the frame which smashed to the floor below and fell sideways against some of the other decrees. 

It was like an avalanche as they all tumbled downwards towards Umbridge who only stared in horror and made no effort to move and try to escape but only gazed upwards in shock. Filch was terrified as he found himself falling from the tall ladder as well but an invisible force cushioned him and brought him gently down to the ground by the staircase, caressing his face kindly before it vanished. Hogwarts cared for the old man as despite his struggles and hatred, he had never harmed a student and she was sad that he was unable to experience the beauty of magic with happiness.

McGonagall and a couple other teachers rushed towards them after hearing the loud noises and found Filch trembling on the bottom step of the staircase, helping him back to the caretakers office and gently extracting the story of what had happened. Flitwick was attempting to levitate the many heavy frames off Umbridge, but shook his head solemnly.

There was an odd chiming sound and everything vanished, leaving only empty space where it had been before. The castle had transported all the decrees to the Come and Go Room and thrown the body of Umbridge out of the school entirely. It was left in the fields a couple miles away from Hogsmeade and would eventually be found by a sleepy farmer who called the Aurors.


	9. Hit with textbooks as led out of school after being arrested by ministry and then dementors kiss after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some heavy textbooks in the face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of a indirect death as she doesn't die 'on screen' but :)

In one universe, a certain strongly worded letter from Augusta Longbottom found its way to the ministry after she discovered Neville, Heir Longbottom, had been subjected to torture by the DADA teacher that year. Seeing as Dowager Longbottom had quite a large amount of sway in the Wizengamot and threatened a vote of no confidence, Fudge hastily removed anything protecting Umbridge from punishment and dispatched the aurors under command of Madam Bones to deal with the woman. She had gone too far in his opinion so he wasn’t too upset over her disgrace. Better she take the fall than him.

Amelia Bones was not pleased to find out what had been going on at the school and that none of the staff of Hogwarts had been doing anything. In fact, after interviewing several students who had suffered detentions with Umbridge, she discovered the Deputy Headmistress had told them to keep their heads down and allowed it to happen without even trying to help those forced to use the illegal blood quills. What on earth had Dumbledore done in the years since taking over the school to have such a complacent staff? 

The only redeeming factor was that several teachers had been unaware and so Sprout, Flitwick, and Sinistra were cleared of any charges while Snape was free from any as well, having provided medical supplies to his students and it was obvious why the spy hadn’t tried to go to the authorities given the likelihood he would be ignored or blamed for something and tossed in Azkaban.

As Umbridge was led out of the school in chains, her useless textbooks were happily tossed at her by all the students who had suffered under her and the aurors turned a blind eye, more than willing to allow the children their revenge on the woman. And well, if a few also made their way in the direction of Dumbledore and McGonagall’s persons, then no one was going to rat out the students who did so.

After a trial, Umbridge was found guilty and subjected to Azkaban for 10 years before she would be given the dementor’s kiss. The post of defense teacher was taken for the remainder of the year by Kingsley Shacklebolt, who volunteered during the meeting of the ministry, and the students all loved him as he was a competent and friendly teacher.


	10. (Chris52_lane) Hagrid and his acromantula friends/nest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dumbridge gets munched on by some spideys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not super graphic tho, don't worry   
> and I guess sorry to disappoint some of you maybe? lol

Umbridge followed Hagrid deeper into the dark trees of the Forbidden Forest, internally complaining about how gross it was with bugs and mud and rotting trees. She wrinkled her nose as she stared at the back of the half breed giant from a large oak she was hiding behind. The man was up to something and she was going to find out.

Continuing to sneak not very quietly after Hagrid, Umbridge grinned as she saw Hagrid digging in a bag for something after he reached a clearing. Perfect, soon she would have enough evidence to get him thrown in Azkaban. Her eyes widened when the man pulled out a giant package of meat and tossed it on the ground, was he keeping illegal creatures as pets?

Frozen, she watched as a humongous spider appeared out of the gloom and settled in front of Hagrid, tearing a large chunk of meat off and eating it. Umbridge was so shocked by what she had discovered that she didn’t realize something had snuck up behind her until it was too late. Webs ensnared her and the children of Aragog quickly enjoyed their extra juicy dinner, happy to have fresh meat for once. They knew Hagrid tried his best to give them good food, but it was usually old and dry.

Finishing his conversation with Aragog, Hagrid turned around and nodded to the other spiders, brushing a shred of pink cardigan under some leaves as he passed. No need to make it too easy to find what remained of the pink toad, after all. He was amazed at how easily his plan had worked, he’d expected Umbridge to put up more of a fight, but it seemed she was incompetent in more aspects.


	11. Impaled by suit of armor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short but hopefully still good :)

One fall evening, the castle decided enough was enough. The teachers weren’t doing anything and they weren’t about to let their students be harmed under their watch. Sending out a schoolwide order, the magic watched eagerly for the results of their decision and subsequent actions.

Umbridge came down the hallway as usual, wand flicking as she enforced her ridiculous decrees on students she passed. Not only was she completely hypocritical about blood status, she also was xenophobic, homophobic, and more. Banning most kinds of hairstyles just showed what a disgusting person she was. Just last week she’d forced Lee Jordan to cut his hair.

One more step and then Umbit-I mean Umbridge, was in range. The suits of armor stood at attention and then wham. Umbridge was pinned to the wall by three separate swords. Only one had actually hurt her, the other two were holding her clothes against the stone, but it was more than enough. Just in the right spot to instantly kill her.

Satisfied, the castle ordered house elves to dispose of her body outside school grounds. That night at dinner the enchanted sky had fireworks and there were extra desserts for everyone.


	12. Scared to Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't really sure how to end this one off so apologies for the abrupt ending

Screams filled the castle as Delores Umbridge ran down the hallway chased by a herd of centaurs. She’d been seeing creatures everywhere for the past week and it was clearly getting to her as her hair was disheveled and she looked as if she hadn’t slept for days.

None of the other occupants of Hogwarts had been bothered by anything out of the ordinary other than her sudden paranoia and odd behavior, being unable to see the creatures and other various things that were terrifying the High Inquisitor. They heard all about them from the woman, however, so stories about cat demons and potato vampires were rapidly spreading across the school, becoming more and more embellished each time they were retold.

Suddenly, there was a thud and everyone nearby turned to see Umbridge had collapsed to the ground, unmoving and unresponsive. Madame Pomfrey was called and after a few seconds of examination, declared the woman to have died from a heart attack, mostly likely caused by fear.

Behind the rest of the staff, Pomona Sprout smiled a satisfied smile. You never mess with anyone a badger is protecting, or you will suffer the consequences of angering such a dangerous creature.


	13. Strangled by the giant squid

Umbridge let out a satisfied sigh as she lay back in her chair. All of the brats were busy taking exams so she was able to relax by the lake without being disrupted. The weather was warm and sunny, so she was wearing a pink sundress, one that burned the eyes at the pure neon shade. She had sat across from Snape at the last staff meeting and the man looked seconds from losing his lunch at the violently vibrant hue of her clothes. Poor man, he’d lost the lottery that month, not that Umbridge knew of such a thing, but the other professors were not at all happy to have to suffer proximity to her. 

Closing her eyes, Umbridge smiled as she thought about how well the year was going. She’d gotten that drunk fraud named Trelawney fired, despite being unable to actually kick her out of the castle, and that half-breed Hagrid was gone as well, hopefully for good. Minister Fudge had better reward her for all her hard work, especially after all her suffering this year by having to be around the disgusting children. All their noise and messiness was repulsive.

So relaxed was Umbridge that she didn’t notice a rapidly growing dark presence in the water until something brushed against her ankle. Swatting at it, assuming it was just a bug of some kind, Umbridge looked back down at the photo album of cats she was going through. This was quite the mistake when the thing from before grasped her around the ankle firmly and yanked her into the lake, holding her above the water.

Opening her eyes, Delores Umbridge came face to face with the giant eye of the squid who resided in the lake. She opened her mouth to scream but nothing came out as she found herself being dunked in the water. Tentacles wrapped around her arms, pinning them to her torso, and her legs were similarly bound together. A large tentacle squeezed her throat as she was retrieved from the water and the giant squid gazed at her as it slowly strangled her.

Pouting slightly at how quickly the toad died, the squid flung her body back onto the grass where he’d picked her up, not wanting to pollute his precious lake with her corpse. He spotted a smaller human figure across the lake and blooped happily, swimming to meet his friend. They always brought snacks and would keep him company, so taking care of the toad blob was something the squid was happy to do for them.

Luna Lovegood smiled and tossed some shrimp into the water. “I brought your favorites! Thanks for helping us, squid friend.” She said, though any other human passing by wouldn’t understand her as she didn’t say this in English but rather a magical language known to all creatures and a few wixen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Were you surprised by who it was?


	14. Struck by Lightning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~Zap!~

Umbridge was giving a lecture about how amazing Minister Fudge was one evening when the enchanted sky above her in the Great Hall rumbled ominously. Ignoring it, she continued speaking while glaring out at the students and enforcing any of her decrees she saw them breaking. 

Suddenly, rain began pouring down on her, somehow missing everyone else, even Filch who was standing only a few feet away. Scattered laughter could be heard from the house tables and she made an angry sound as she was completely drenched. Her hair fell out of its updo and plastered to the sides of her face limply.

Even the other teachers were amused and not trying to hide it very much. Umbridge was increasingly agitated and tried to stop the water from falling on her and dry herself but it wasn’t working. Someone tossed a live toad into the stage by her and it had a tiny pink hat on. That was the last straw and she saw the Weasley twins with more toads.

Storming down the steps with her wand, Umbridge pointed it at them and began to cast the first spell that came to mind, uncaring of the witnesses. Surely they knew she had the full permission of the minister, they couldn’t touch her. “Cru-”

Eyes widened and several teachers moved quickly, but before they could do anything, there was a blinding flash of light and Umbridge disappeared in the glowing beam. Lightning had struck her right in the chest. When everyone finally could blink the black spots out of their vision, they saw a charred body with scraps of pink fabric shimmer and vanish. Aurors were called and memories shared for evidence and it was decided that no one could be prosecuted for such a thing and the case closed. The next day, an unflattering article about Umbridge appeared in the Prophet, revealing her true self to everyone.


	15. (Chris52_lane)-  How about the cats of Hogwarts got her/The kitten plates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris52_lane request - How about the cats of Hogwarts got her. The kitten plates that were on the walls of her office were put there by herself as she loves cats but they don't like her at all! So the Hogwarts cats helped break the enchantment by killing her!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my brain snatched the idea and took off, leaving me in the dust and I honestly have no idea what happened with the Alina thing so don't ask lol
> 
> Also this wasn't edited or read through again so may be some weird plot holes or typos idk

A long tail wove across the fluffy pink carpet, disappearing briefly before reappearing once it was sure that the owner of the carpet was not there. This time, it was attached to a large gray cat, who blinked slowly as it sat down and waited. Seconds later, five other cats appeared in the doorway, mrowing quietly in greeting as they joined the gray cat. All six felines stared at the many china plates covering the walls and at the dozens of tiny cats moving around on them.

The gray cat from before and a fluffy orange cat exchanged a glance before moving forwards, meowing quietly back and forth with a large maine coon on one of the biggest plates, while a siamese and black and white spotted cat watched from nearby. The orange cat hissed and raked the carpet with its claws at something the maine coon said. All of the cats nodded in farewell before padding out of the room and vanishing down the empty corridor.

Morning came early the next day and Delores Umbridge smiled at the cat plates as she wandered past the window, drinking hideously sugary tea in a pink china cup. She stumbled and fell suddenly, dropping the cup with a crash as it shattered into pieces on the floor. Her hands instinctively moved outwards to catch her fall and landed right in the middle of the razor sharp shards. She cried out in pain and tried to get up, realizing she was unable to without hurting herself further. 

The door creaked and her head whipped up, hoping it was Filch or one of the other teachers she could stand. Her face contorted in confusion when she didn’t see anyone there and looked down as the door closed, only to stop in shock at the sight of a tiny white kitten. Cooing, she went to grab it before remembering her injuries and halting, leaning heavily against her desk. The small cat came closer and leaped up into a pile of paperwork, scattering it everywhere. It moved until it was inches away from her and looked at her for a moment before launching itself at her face.

Screaming, Umbridge tried to move backwards and cried out in pain as she stood on another piece of the broken teacup, tripping and landing on her back with a thud. Breathing erratically, Umbridge looked up to see many cats had joined the white one and circled around her, faster and faster before many paws swiped forwards at once and sank their claws into her flesh. It stung terribly and burned more and more each second, the puncture marks turning green and orange. 

The cats moved away and splashed their paws in a puddle of spilled water by the door, cleaning them from whatever substance they had been coated in. By the time they returned to Umbridge’s side, the woman was dying and barely alive. The little white cat meowed proudly from where it was sitting on a chair, having been kept from participating in the main event because it was still a kitten.

Umbridge fell silent and still and there was a rush of energy through the room before the plates cracked into pieces and fell to the ground in a tremendous crash. None of the cats were injured and they backed away from the walls to make room as almost a hundred cats appeared, falling down out of the walls and landing with thuds. A large white cat made a beeline for the chair, curling around the kitten and licking its head. The gray cat meowed happily nearby as they rubbed up against the maine coon’s shoulder and a tabby cat tumbled past, play fighting with the orange cat. 

After allowing everyone to be reunited, the gray cat padded over to the door and it swung open with a quiet sound, signaling that it was time to go. The many cats raced out and down the hall with an euphoric energy, rushing forwards like a furry wave towards the shore. Some split off from the main group and went outside through the huge doors with a meow of goodbye, while the rest continued on. They exploded through the doors of the Great Hall and leaped towards students and teachers, who cried as they saw their missing familiars once again.

A tabby cat slipped out of the room through a small door in the back and vanished, before a tall stern looking woman appeared, walking to the staff table where she pressed a kiss to the head of the maine coon who was sitting on her chair. Minerva McGonagall leaned over to speak quietly with Filius Flitwick, who nodded solemnly and wrote something down on a piece of parchment before sending it off with his owl Titus.

Aurors visited the school the next day and McGonagall told them about how Umbridge had been kidnapping pets and keeping them as decorations in her office, conveniently leaving out how the woman had died and feigning confusion on the matter. The claw marks had all vanished thanks to a quiet stop by the office the previous evening. A quiet maine coon slipped into her arms after the Aurors left and she brought them back to her private quarters, followed by a gray cat, where the maine coon shivered on the floor before melting into the form of a woman with dark hair and soft blue eyes. The gray cat followed suit, turning into a beautiful young woman who introduced herself as Marie.

“Lina…” Minerva said softly as she enfolded her in a hug. She had never dreamed that she would find her goddaughter again after Alina went missing years ago and the Aurors said there wasn’t anything they could do. To find that she had been kidnapped in her animagus form by Delores Umbridge was a shock, but it was also accompanied by crushing relief that she had a chance to rescue her.

In the end, Umbridge’s death was ruled as an accident and the matter closed. The group of cats met up in the evenings and whenever they could, having grown close during the endeavor, and lasting friendships and romances blossomed. Occasionally, a maine coon, tabby and a gray cat would join them and after a time, the maine coon and gray cat announced they were mates to their friends.


	16. Falling from the Astronomy tower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps it didn't go exactly as the twins likely planned, but I don't think they'd complain about the result...

Delores Umbridge turned around quickly when she caught sight of movement from the corner of her eye. A dark shadow darted across the hall and up a flight of stairs. She followed after them as quickly as possible, determined to catch the miscreant and give them a week’s worth of detention.

There were more stairs than she expected and Umbridge had to stop a couple of times to catch her breath as she went upwards, but grinned as she realized there were no other ways out so whoever it was was trapped at the top.

Finally emerging out into a circular room at the top of the stairs, Umbridge caught sight of the person climbing out over the balcony railing onto some sort of small ledge that ran along the side of the Astronomy tower. She hurried over and leaned down to cast an immobilizing spell at them so they couldn’t get away, accidentally overbalancing and tumbling over the edge. Her screams echoed loudly across the surrounding roofs and after a minute there was a distant thud and then silence. Two red haired heads appeared at the ledge and gazed quietly downwards before exchanging a look and vanishing back down the tower stairs, tucking a scrap of parchment into their bag as they made their way back to Gryffindor tower.

Umbridge was discovered early the next morning by some unfortunate second year Hufflepuffs on their way to Care of Magical Creatures. The professors and headmaster were swiftly alerted and arrived to deal with the situation, and Dumbledore even asked for the head of the DMLE, Amelia Bones, to come and assist with the matter. A few spells later, her death was determined to have been a ‘tragic’ accident and a new DADA professor was found in an Auror who was currently out of active duty because of an injury he was recovering from.


	17. Another great idea by Chris52_lane - Hagrid yeets some doors into Umbitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris52_lane “How about Hagrid. You know how he forgets how strong he is. Maybe I'm birch is standing by the doors - to either in the great hall or the entryway to the school against where the door would meet the wall. Anyway Hagrid is either late or excited about something and comes barreling through the doors. He of course pushes the doors open very hard and they slam against the walls. Oops, guess who was in the way!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was somewhat conflicted on how Hagrid would react to such a thing happening, so hopefully what I eventually decided on works alright

One morning, Hagrid was making his way into the castle as usual for breakfast. He paused to stomp the snow off of his boots before something caught his eye through the window and his eyes widened in surprise. Jumping up, he rushed into the Entrance Hall, hoping to make it in time to get the last french toast before another staff member took it. It was his favorite food and the house elves rarely made it.

In his haste to snag himself a delicious breakfast, Hagrid didn’t notice someone standing right by the huge double doors leading into Hogwarts until there was an odd cracking sound as he flung the doors open. Blinking uncertainly at the definitely unalive High Inquisitor who had fallen to the floor with her neck and arm at an odd angle, Hagrid cleared his throat awkwardly and looked around to make sure there weren’t any witnesses before picking the body up and depositing it on a bench, arranging its limbs to look as though Umbridge was merely sitting there for a moment.

Patting the corpse gently on the head, Hagrid remembered why he’d been in a rush and returned to his speedy entrance to the Great Hall. He was just in time to see Professor Sprout take a bite of the last piece of french toast and his mouth turned downwards, disappointed. He sat down at the table and looked around to see what else was for breakfast that day and his eyes widened in delight when he spotted a brand new plate of french toast right in front of him, still hot and with a tiny flower of strawberry pieces on top.

Umbridge was spotted right after breakfast and no one really seemed sure what to do, before Dumbledore finally called the Aurors. They couldn’t detect any magic signatures on the woman and she was taken back to the Ministry with them, seeing as they couldn’t really leave a corpse in a school.


	18. “How about a blood quill aided by an anticoagulant” from MandyGoLightly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might've gotten slightly carried away lol
> 
> Is it bad that I find writing this sort of thing fun?

“Hmm, I had hoped you might’ve been more entertaining than this.” Hermione mused disappointedly, watching as Umbridge cried in a very ugly manner while she continued carving into her own hand using a blood quill. The young lioness had snapped after discovering an 11 year old Hufflepuff with the words ‘I am a filthy bitch who needs to learn my station’ permanently scarred across her right hand.

Hermione had procured a vial of anticoagulant from Madame Pomfrey who gave it to her without protest after she had disclosed her purpose and added a bit of garlic and turmeric to help it along and make it sting more. She had promptly injected it into Umbridge’s bloodstream and sat back with some popcorn the Weasley twins had smuggled into the castle for her to enjoy the show. Sadly, it didn’t seem to be quite as good of an amusement as she’d hoped.

Frowning in displeasure, Hermione yanked the quill away from the woman and finally released her from the compulsions layered over her in order to force her to write. She stunned the woman before she could do more than breathe and tilted her head as she contemplated what to do next. She smiled in satisfaction when she saw the words that continued bleeding on Umbridge’s fat hand. I am an ugly toad who enjoys torturing children. Now wouldn’t that be a lovely message for the Ministry to receive when she was done with the school’s beloved High Inquisitor, truly such a shame that the woman had lost her sanity and decided she needed to punish herself for her crimes.

Slipping a hand into her robes, the lioness retrieved another vial and gazed at it for a moment before smiling just a bit too wide to be reassuring. “Delores, I think you’ve been such a good girl this evening, writing your lines. Why don’t we relax and have a cup of tea?” Hermione said, taking Umbridge’s hand in her own and holding it for a moment before crushing it in a bruising grip. 

Fixing up a cup of tea for both of them, Hermione poured the venom she had badgered Harry into retrieving for her into one while hiding which from the woman. “I think you should decide which cup you’d like, hmm?” She said in a gentle voice, pushing the tea cups closer to the woman and releasing her from the stunner while keeping her bound to the chair. Umbridge’s wand was safely in the hands of the Weasley twins far across the castle and the toad was incapable of much magic  _ with  _ it so she didn’t have to worry about wandless magic disrupting her plans.

Umbridge glanced at her several times, trying to figure out which cup was poisoned. Hermione smirked and shifted so she was leaning towards the tea cup on the right, moving as if she expected the woman to take the left one. Delores snatched the right cup up and clutched it to her chest, before an uncertain expression crossed her face and her eyes darted to the cup Hermione now held.

“Ah, ah, ah, no take backs, Delores.” Hermione said before compelling the woman to drink her tea. She raised her own cup up to her lips but vanished it before it could reach her mouth. Umbridge drank her tea, trembling in fear the entire time, and exhaled in relief when nothing seemed to happen. Then her eyes widened and rolled back in her head as she spasmed in the chair. 

Hermione tucked the empty vial back into her bag, looking at the body of the toad. Stupid woman, she’d spiked both of their drinks so it wouldn’t matter which Umbridge took. Honestly, it was like the woman thought she’d be leaving the room alive or something. She was free to go now, of course, seeing that she was dead.

A brief name later, a house elf appeared in front of her and nodded solemnly, saluting her with the sparkly neon green glove on its hand before popping away with Umbridge in tow. The body was discovered in the Ministry the next day and there was outcry about the unknown substance in her system and the words carved into her hand. Skeeter of course launched herself at the sensational news and wrote article after scathing article about Umbridge and soon the woman was hated almost as much as Harry and Dumbledore were the past summer.


	19. Standing under a falling tree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is rather short but I felt it worked best that way, leaving some parts purposefully for the reader to decide what happened for themselves

“Look out!” Someone yelled, eyes wide in terror as they gazed at the disaster happening right in front of them. “Oh no!” They gasped, before bursting into laughter and shaking their head. “A tree is falling!” Another person cried, staring at the tree that was not falling, but rather had already fallen. 

“Shame she didn’t listen, we tried to warn her.” One of them said with an amused snort. The other mimed filming the scene before the two centaurs high fived and vanished into the forest, leaving nothing but swirling leaves and a pair of neon pink mary janes sticking out from under a fallen tree trunk.


	20. Rest of staff actually does something

Umbridge twitched oddly in her seat, rubbing at her head. It had started aching all of a sudden, like she’d been hit with something. She’d also felt like she’d had a bucket of water dumped on her earlier that day.

Sitting up straighter, Umbridge surveyed the Great Hall as she drank a cup of sickeningly sweet strawberry tea. The students were all quiet today, eating breakfast without speaking to each other for the most part. Even the staff seemed subdued, though they were giving each other odd looks. 

The morning post owls swooping into the room, their papers falling like well placed rain down onto the tables. Umbridge snatched her copy of the Daily Prophet out of the air and inhaled in shock when she saw the title on the front page.

**Torture at Hogwarts! Students and professors tell all!** It screamed in bold letters, flashing above a moving photograph of someone’s hand with words carved into it. Umbridge’s head shot up and her eyes darted around the room, looking for someone who seemed guilty or suspicious. She wasn’t able to figure out who had snuck out of the castle and decided she would have to break out the Veritaserum later. After all, she had the full permission of the minister, they couldn’t stop her.

This was swiftly disproved as a squad of Aurors stormed into the Great Hall, stunning her and carting her away. As soon as she was gone, the room broke into cheers and applause, even from former members of the Inquisitorial Squad. She was swiftly put on trial and convicted as guilty before being sentenced to Azkaban, where she  _ somehow  _ managed to be kissed by a Dementor within a week.


	21. Yeeted out of a cannon

One sunny morning at Hogwarts, a screaming woman in all pink was launched into the sky, having been fired out of a cannon on one of the towers a minute previously. She was immobile for a moment before attempting to flail around in panic, however she was unable to move due to being tied up. You see, they needed to make sure the aerodynamics worked properly to get Umbridge to her destination.

She flew through the sky over tiny houses and roads and started to relax a tiny bit for some reason and admired the view before realizing it was Muggle and becoming disgusted. Then she remembered exactly where she was and started screaming again, just in time to crash headfirst through the ceiling of the Ministry headquarters and fall right into the Atrium where she landed bum first on the sharp point of the arrow the golden centaur in the fountain was holding.

Her cry of pain attracted any attention that hadn’t already been on her when she’d fallen out of the sky and everyone was watching just in time to see an enormous pile of paper fall from above and land neatly on Umbridge’s upper half.

When a brave ministry employee finally approached, he found that the papers were testimonials from students about the torture she had been putting them through, accompanied by magical photos showing the horrible proof. Aurors were swiftly called and the DMLE took over the situation, putting an investigation of exactly how the woman had gotten to the Ministry in the first place on the back burner while they dealt with the accusations.

Veritaserum revealed the truth and Umbridge was swiftly sentenced to receive the Kiss, gaining an unanimous vote from every member of the court. Kingsley Shacklebolt and Nymphadora Tonks quietly expressed their appreciation for the wonderful entrance to the Hogwarts students as they left, ensuring that their words would travel back to those intended.


	22. Choked on food

Umbridge looked at the children in her classroom with a smug smile, eating some strawberry flavored sweets as she observed them taking notes over the ministry-approved textbook. The miscreants had finally stopped trying to argue with her and Potter hadn’t tried to lie about You-Know-Who being back since his detention with her. 

She sat down at her desk and started grading the last test she had assigned over theoretical defensive spells, humming to herself as she popped another piece of candy in her mouth. Her peace and quiet was suddenly broken by screams and the door was flung open before someone wearing black robes strode into the room.

Looking up, ready to punish whoever had disrupted her class, Umbridge promptly started choking and continued to do so as none of the students tried to help her, staring in shock at Voldemort who had just walked into the room. The Dark Lord strode straight up to her desk and snatched the locket from around her neck, leaving her leaning on the desk dead from having choked to death. He vanished back out into the corridor, while disbelieving students gaped after him before turning to look at Harry, realizing they’d been bullying an innocent kid.


	23. Fudge’s wife finds out he was cheating with umbitch and gets revenge on both of them (reveals dirty secrets and such)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a different angle from most of the other ideas so far, but I loved this idea and couldn't wait to write it!

Angela Fudge stared in disbelief at the letter she had discovered in her husband’s desk before shaking her head. Truly, deep inside she wasn’t all that surprised, having been denying the signs for years now. This proof had finally made it so she couldn’t ignore the situation anymore. Her husband was cheating on her and sleeping with Delores Umbridge. She shuddered at the mental image, the woman was quite ugly so she doubted he was with her for anything other than sex, though the toad seemed to love him for some reason. Looking in the mirror as she carefully worked on her appearance, she smirked to herself. Cornelius had pissed off the wrong woman and he was going to majorly regret it.

Two days later, a distressed looking Angela entered the Leaky Cauldron, spotting Rita Skeeter drinking a cup of tea at one of the tables. She sat down and talked quietly with the woman, stopping a few times to dab at her eyes with a tissue, before Rita patted her on the shoulder and left, bright red lipstick in a satisfied smile.

Morning arrived and Angela stared down her husband while she waited for the Daily Prophet to arrive. Cornelius fidgeted uncomfortably as he rambled on about recent bills the Wizengamot was trying to pass. Angela smiled in an unsettling manner as she got up to retrieve the morning paper, placing it down in front of him before returning to her food as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

Her husband picked up the paper absently as he drank his coffee before promptly choking as he took in the headline.  **Fudge Committing Adultery? Umbridge Sleeping her way up the Ministry? The Secrets and Crimes of our Minister, Distraught Wife Tells All!** His head whipped up only to find the other side of the table empty, as if his wife had vanished into thin air. Cornelius hastily cleared the table from breakfast and scribbled out a letter which was sent to Delores at Hogwarts, quickly dressing as the main floo began chiming with a barrage of calls. 

Aurors appeared in the living room with a pop, taking him into custody before he would have a trial over bribery, fraud, and blackmail among other things. Across the country, Umbridge was given a similar treatment as she was dragged kicking and screaming out of the castle, clutching the letter she had just received from the Minister in her pudgy hands. With overwhelming evidence and an emotional testimony from Fudge’s poor wife, both were convicted and sent to Azkaban, leaving a temporary minister Shacklebolt in charge.


	24. Umbridge = frog, owl go munch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Chris52_lane: How about the Twins -no scratch that, Snape makes a potion that will turn her into a frog for a day, slips it into her tea in the morning, same turns into a frog. Then of course you have mail delivery and one of the owls, eagle owls, hawks or other birds of prey eats her!

Severus Snape restrained the urge to smile as he settled into his seat in the Great Hall, instead choosing to complain about the rainy weather before eating a plain breakfast of toast and oatmeal with a scowl firmly on his face. It got tiring sometimes, but it was the part he had to play as his precarious place in between two sides of a war stretched across a widening chasm. Just thinking too much about the situation gave him a headache, so instead he took pleasure from small things, such as the potion he had slipped into Umbridge’s morning tea.

Taking a sip of his own coffee, Severus hid a smile in his mug as Delores bustled into the room wearing a hideous dress in the color of magenta and giggling in a way that sounded like nails on a chalkboard. He couldn’t wait for the results, and the best part was, absolutely no one would ever dare to think it had been him. Perhaps he could use it as an excuse to nudge the Weasley twins towards some new and creative ideas during a week of detention.

Umbridge wriggled in her chair suddenly, stopping eating her sugary pastry as she let out a ribbity sound before covering her mouth in horror. Scattered giggles could be heard at the house tables. Everyone waited for a moment but nothing happened so they went back to eating.

Ribbit. Heads turned to see an increasingly red faced Head Inquisitor stand up and start demanding whoever had done this come forward. She was mid sentence when she suddenly stopped and there was a squishy sound before a small pink frog hopped off the table and fled slowly towards the doors.

The hall filled with the sound of wings as the morning post arrived via birds and chatter echoed off the large ceiling as everyone talked about Umbridge’s transformation. A large tawny owl let out a screech before diving at the floor and snagging something pink in its beak before swooping away out the windows.

Snape bit his lip so hard it started to bleed in the effort not to laugh as he realized what had just happened. That wasn’t something he’d thought of when planning this, but he certainly wasn’t going to complain. The other teachers exchanged glances and nodded, coming to a consensus that they would act confused if anyone came asking for Umbridge, saying she’d mysteriously disappeared one morning and they had no idea what had happened to her. Up in the Owlery, a tawny owl prodded the limp frog with its beak before letting out a displeased sound, yanking its legs off before pushing them off the edge of the tower. Its snack didn’t seem very edible. 


	25. Beheaded/Guillotined

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beheaded/Guillotined (we were watching a documentary on the French Revolution in Euro History class and I was inspired lol, warning: NOT FOR WEAK OF STOMACH)

The crowd of students spilled up the staircases, clutching wands and sticks and other random items they could get their hands on, including a gumball machine a muggleborn had brought with them from home. They chanted, “Down with Umbridge, Kill the Toad!” as they went, chasing a fleeing Umbridge through the castle. A first year hufflepuff got in a nice shot at her behind with a textbook as they went past down the stairs.

Following the toad woman towards the Headmaster’s office, an eager third year Ravenclaw didn’t notice the trip wire Peeves had set up until they fell over it, narrowly missing a blade as it fell down on the ground with a clang. Umbridge was not so lucky, stumbling over a variety of them before falling on her face right before an axe swung out of nowhere. Thunk.

The students stopped short, confronted with a rapidly growing pool of blood. Several of the leaders of the crowd exchanged glances before vanishing back into the disorganized mass of teens, followed by the others until the only thing left in the empty corridor was a body, with its head wedged in a corner next to a suit of armor, having rolled towards the wall. Peeves appeared through a nearby wall and observed the scene with a satisfied grin, snapping his fingers and whistling as he waited for a teacher to find the body.

It was the unfortunate Trelawney who encountered Umbridge’s corpse first, letting out a piercing scream and rambling about bad omens as she scrambled backwards to bang desperately on nearby doors until McGonagall and Dumbledore appeared, summoned by the racket. McGonagall turned a unique shade of green upon seeing the headless body, while Dumbledore stared for a moment before taking a deep breath and sending a phoenix patronus off through the castle for Madame Pomfrey. The woman had to deal with any deaths in the school as well as injuries or sickness, which were sadly more common that they should be.

Fingers were pointed after the Aurors were called, but ultimately it was decided that Peeves and Peeves alone was responsible for her death and the Minister ordered that he be banished from the castle. The poltergeist was awarded with a round of applause as he gave a moving farewell speech before fading into nothingness as he was forced to give up his ghostly form and move on.


	26. Dumbles and the Lemon Drop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dumbledore getting her with a lemon drop! (While I enormously dislike the manipulative old fool) it would be funny as she wants to take over the school! (spin as selfish motives, from Chris52_lane)

Albus Dumbledore smiled genially as he welcomed Delores Umbridge into his office. He had been busy since the beginning of school and hadn’t been down from the Headmaster’s Office in a while. Pointedly looking her in the eyes as he greeted her, Dumbledore brushed against her mind and dove in swiftly when he discovered there were no defenses.

Oh, dear. This wouldn’t do at all. While some of her plans would work well to drive students towards where he wanted them, ultimately the woman would end up destroying more than she would help. He needed Harry to be exhausted from Occlumency sessions, not detentions with her, in order for the prophecy hoax to work out properly.

Betraying nothing as he left her mind, Dumbledore offered her a lemon drop as she sat down, shooting a compulsion from under the table at her to ensure she ate it. Umbridge took it with a slightly stilted movement and it entered her mouth without protest. 

Swapping out the poisoned lemon drops for his own personal stash, Albus hummed happily as he ate one himself, tracing a complicated pattern in the air with his wand as he rearranged the woman’s mind to remove any implications that might cause trouble for himself before sending her off back to her office free of any compulsions where she would be found, paralysed and dead later. The curse on the position was such a handy tool for his yearly plans to strengthen Potter in order to face the Dark Lord, despite no longer existing after Halloween 1981 when Tom died and his magical work collapsed, despite his spirit remaining in the world.


	27. Death by 1k papercuts (idea from Thestral, She's a bureaucrat, so death by a thousand papercuts seems fitting)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was inspired by Thestral's request and so this lovely chapter was made
> 
> A few more ideas from them are on the way soon :)

Umbridge was writing up a report on the despicable state of the school curriculum to send to Cornelius when a sudden prick of pain made her look down. She’d somehow managed to give herself a papercut. Hissing in annoyance, Umbridge ignored the papercut and continued writing, only to stop as another finger stung.

Trying to stop writing, Umbridge’s eyes widened in horror as her body ignored her and continued working on the letter. Attempts to jerk away and move were unfruitful and she screamed silently as she panicked, trying to escape whatever was holding her in place.

Tiny spots of blood now marred the pristine white paper she had been writing on and more dripped down every second, turning into streams as papercuts intersected and made larger cuts on her hands. Umbridge was flailing around internally, unable to even twitch her fingers away from holding the quill. Her magic felt sluggish, even more so than usual, and the small amount of magic she had in the first place meant she was unable to break free from the oppressive spell that compelled her to continue writing.

Papercut after papercut joined those already covering her pudgy hands and soon the skin there was almost unrecognizable under the haphazard flesh and blood. It was no longer a sting but a burning pain and Umbridge screamed silently again, this time in agony as her fingers continued to be ripped apart by the innocuous paper in front of her.

Eventually, Umbridge fell unconscious from a combination of pain and blood loss, only for the magic holding her prisoner to force her awake again, keeping her captive through the entirety of the torture. It was torment like no other, the stinging pain ever increasing. At last, the letter was finished and Umbridge’s hand signed her name with a soft stroke of the quill, before it fell from her limp hold and the magic vanished, leaving only a dead body and a bloodstained paper.


	28. Drowns in the twin’s swamp and mysteriously disappears (from Thestral)

Huffing in irritation, Umbridge snapped at Filch to row faster. She needed to get to her office and those blasted blood-traitor twins had left a swamp in the way which no one was able to get rid of. The murky water swished past the oars of the small boat Filch had somehow acquired as he increased his rowing speed slightly.

Suddenly, the boat ran into something and jolted to a halt, flinging Umbridge up into the air and over the edge. Somehow, Umbridge fell entirely into the water, despite it only being a few feet deep, and only her head was visible as she struggled to stay afloat. Filch’s eyebrows rose and he contemplated whether or not to help her. While he appreciated her allowing him creative freedom in detentions, her treatment of him left much to be desired and this was a good opportunity to get rid of her without leaving evidence.

Just as he came to the decision to at least try and assist Umbridge, Filch looked up to see her vanish completely in the water with only a few bubbles left behind. Well, guess he’d have to stick with the no evidence plan then.

Rowing over to where she had been, Filch poked around in the water with a stick and frowned in confusion when the stick hit the floor of the corridor with a thunk, only partially in the swamp water. Perhaps the castle itself was not pleased with the High Inquisitor?

Shrugging, Filch turned back to the boat and spotted Umbridge’s handbag, rummaging around inside and grinning at the interesting things that were now his. Mrs. Norris would love the cat items after he got them checked to make sure they were safe. The pumpkin pasties would make good snacks for that evening when he was supervising a detention, after being checked for the same reason. Caution was for the best with that woman.


	29. Some interesting plants (from Thestral)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Request from Thestral: Let her encounter some, uhm, interesting plants in the greenhouses. What was that about Venomous Tentacula? Mandrakes would be too swift... Devil's Snare?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never antagonize a badger or their family (◠‿◠✿)

It was a sunny spring morning and Delores Umbridge was investigating the Herbology greenhouses. No one, not even the Hufflepuff head of house, was free from suspicion in her eyes. Maybe she’d find some illegal potion ingredients or something, that would be wonderful for her reputation.

She forced the door of Greenhouse 5 open, ignoring the sign that said in bold letters, DANGER: BEWARE OF VIOLENT AND VICIOUS PLANTS. They were plants, there was no way they could possibly pose a threat to her. Anyone scared of plants was pathetic in her eyes.

Umbridge stepped into the greenhouse, grimacing at the moist warm air that hit her. She looked around and saw disorganized rows of vines and sprouts clustered together on metal shelves. Several appeared to be moving out of the corner of her eye, but when she looked directly at them nothing happened, so it must have been a trick of the light.

This was swiftly proved wrong by the Devil’s snare that grabbed her and wrapped itself tightly around the woman, squeezing her so tightly Umbridge began to see black spots appearing in her vision. She scrabbled uselessly at the thick vine wrapped around her neck and hit it hard. Umbridge was released, grinning in triumph as she stood back up, only to fall backwards as a blue flower with sharp teeth launched itself at her face.

Yelping and stumbling backwards, the High Inquisitor proceeded to try and make for the exit of the greenhouse, only to find that the door was sealed shut by several devil’s snare plants. She was promptly converged on by the occupants of greenhouse 5, who had a tasty meal and enjoyed a game of keep away with the woman’s ugly purse before settling down with an innocent air just in time for Sprout to appear in the doorway, narrowing her eyes suspiciously. The fanged geranium from before gave its best virtuous smile, which didn’t really work, but Sprout sighed and rolled her eyes, shoving an ugly pink handbag deeper under a shelf as she went past.


	30. Hagrid's Flesh Eating Slug Repellent (from Thestral)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hagrid's Flesh Eating Slug Repellent. Surely that shit could work on amphibia as well, with a little tweak? (from Thestral)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is really short bc I didn’t really know how to write it so I just did a short scene

“Oops?” Hagrid said, seeing the melting toad in front of him. He’d been putting some flesh-eating slug repellent on his garden and accidentally flung some on Umbridge when she came up behind him and cleared her throat, startling him.

The odd thing was that as soon as it hit the woman, she promptly started being eaten by the corrosive liquid. Huh, apparently Umbridge was close enough to the target that the slug repellent worked on her. Did that mean she was an slug or toad then?

While Hagrid was pondering this, Umbridge was screaming and rolling around on the ground, before promptly disappearing as she turned into a toad, probably her animagus form. As a toad, the substance worked faster, so that wasn’t the best decision, leaving a dead toad with barely a fourth of its body remaining and more vanishing every second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to completely end this project as of today, but special mention to one last idea of Thestral's:
> 
> Breaks her own decree and is punished for it (from Thestral)   
> full prompt: ‘She accidentally breaks one of her own decrees (with some nice old-fashioned Filch approved punishment on breaking it) and the Inquisitorial Squad gets her for it bc rules are rules’

**Author's Note:**

> https://m1dn1ghtstar.tumblr.com/
> 
> Join me on tumblr!


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